Am I An Agunah Yet? Part Nine

Rings, Red Flags, And Dead Ends

I was so excited when I went to get sized for a ring. My mother in law was with me, and she asked the jeweler to bring out tray after tray of diamond rings, pointing to the styles that her friends were purchasing for their children, the styles that are respectable, the styles that cost a better amount and were not too small and cheap. I gravitated towards a unique design; the two edges of the ring gracefully intertwined under the diamond setting; there was an ombre effect of gold and rose gold. I loved it. “I feel like this one is calling to me,” I said.

“You feel like…? Choosing rings is not about your feelings. It’s about presenting a respectable front as amarried woman. It’s about respecting your husband,” my mother in law said. (SHE represented my husband in this context, obviously, knowing which ring he’d prefer to have me wear.) I was in awe of her and moved on. I didn’t think twice about the encounter…Until now.

She chose another setting.

“We’re buying you the larger diamond,” she informed me, haughtily,

“so that you always remember what a gem you married.”

Red flags? There were many. I was young, naive, and blind to them all.

Hindsight is 20/20…

Our Rabbi called. “I tried…He won’t sign the Get,” he grimly reported.

His friends called him. “He isn’t budging,” they said. “It’s really his parents. Like, we don’t think he’s such an #@0**, usually.” (Did we know his friends spoke like this? Was that a red flag too??)

His Rabbi called him, and called back, sadly shaking his head.

“He won’t sign the Get, and now he won’t take my calls.”

His parents’ Rabbi called him. No luck. He called his parents. Still no luck.

We called the RCC again.

“Come back when both parties are willing to sign a Get,” they said. My parents sadly

shook their heads.

The RCC stopped returning our calls.

Can someone explain to him, or his parents, that divorce is not shameful?

No luck. They won’t have such a stain on their family.

Why is the stain not as bad in 2.5 years from now? “Because people will see that you tried, it wasn’t a fatal character flaw, just some incompatibility.”

But Get Refusal- isn’t that a fatal flaw?

Yes, of course, Get Refusal is one of the biggest red flags there are! But he is not Get refusing.

Isn’t he??

No. He is totally willing to sign a Get… just on his own timeline. At the Bais Din of his choice. With whatever terms he chooses.

(Obviously he will choose whatever terms he wants. He already knows we are going to bend to whatever demands he will make. We’re already bending to their demands on timeline!!)

We don’t even have a case open at a Bais Din, so how can he be a Get refuser?

Technically and Halachically, it’s been eight months since I left… and he still hasn’t done anything wrong!

It feels wrong. Everyone can see it’s wrong. But there are no technical or Halachic grounds to support my feelings. Divorce, apparently, is not about my feelings either. Is anything about my feelings? Divorce, apparently, is also about presenting a respectable front as a married woman and respecting the wishes of my husband.

Will I ever be able to follow my heart where it is called?

Without interference from these people, who do not have my best interests at heart?

“I’ll beat him up,” my brother offered.

“I have some friends…”

“That would be illegal,” said my brother’s Rosh Yeshiva.

“Also, it would invalidate the Get completely. A coerced Get is a severe issue (it’s called a Get Me’useh) and the Halachos are complicated. Don’t mess around if you don’t know what you are doing.”

“Can we learn this stuff?” my brother asked.

“Like, maybe this could be a good career for me, if I knew when I

could beat people up and stuff. I think I could open an agency to help people ‘convince’ their exes to sign a Get. I’m good at annoying and harassing people.”

“We don’t learn those Halachos regularly,” the Rosh Yeshiva gently told him.

“You’d have to choose to learn Dayanus… but first, maybe focus on the sugya in front of you, before you decide to go for Dayanus, you and I both need to survive the next couple of years with our sanity intact, so can we, please, continue the Shiur?”

I tearfully removed my ring on the day the therapist made it clear to me that my marriage was not reconcilable, and my parents and even my Kallah teacher let me know they would not let me forget it. I was not ever going back. It felt like all my dreams, my very life, was being wrenched from me, even though I knew I could never go back to my husband.

It was also a relief. Clarity is a blessing. I could finally move on. Except… I didn’t.

I’m still technically married. In a fit of pique, I put the ring back on my finger. In my head, it felt like handcuffs. It was a physical reminder that I am still imprisoned.

I only put the plain gold band back on my finger, though. I left the diamond ring in the box.

I might still be technically married… but he’s not a gem.

To read more Agunah Monologues, go to www.getjewishdivorce.org.

If you or anyone you know is struggling to receive a Get, call Esther Macner at 310-730-5282 or email her at info@getjewishdivorce.org. Strictly confidential.