Am I An Agunah Yet? Part Five: A Tiny Bit of Agency

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(This series is an account of an Agunah, who describes the systems and processes a woman may encounter on her way to obtaining freedom after the marriage ended. What works? What doesn’t work? Which means are useful in preventing a divorcee from becoming an Agunah?) Another, more sinister reason to start a smear campaign and make such claims about me is that in Halacha, an ‘Isha Moredes’ is not entitled to any compensation in a Jewish divorce. There can be consequences in civil court as well.

 I think his parents came up with this strategy to make sure I got as little compensation as possible ‘in reward’ for leaving their son. Even in California, which is exclusively a no-fault divorce state, courts can consider certain misconduct when deciding related issues, like child custody, child support, spousal support, or division of assets. These kinds of rumors could affect the numbers in the divorce settlement, and his parents knew that.

For so long, I was isolating. I was curling into myself for protection, sensing that it was not safe to be vulnerable in any way; that any show of humanness or flaws would be used against me, and that if I picked my head up it would be knocked down. That was my experience of marriage.

Now I was beginning to remember how it feels like to be safe, and I got angry. I floated around my parents’ house in a seething rage, hardly able to see, unable to function, screaming at people in my head. I couldn’t eat and didn’t sleep well. That level of emotional intensity is not sustainable. After three days, life crept back in. I felt like I had come back from sea and had to get used to my feet on solid ground again, but slowly I regained normalcy… and I decided I am going to Bais Din and filing for a Get and we’ll see what happens to a man who won’t comply.

I won’t let him, and his parents scare me into following their ‘rules’ and continuing to keep my head down and shrink myself and worry about getting hurt or what they’re going to do and how they’ll react. I’ll start the process. Do my Hishtadlus.

My way, on my clock.

On the RCC’s website, they state that Jewish Law recognizes that sometimes a divorce is preferable

to a bad marriage. Then they put this line:

This application should be used only where both parties consent to arranging a Get at this

time. If this is not the case, please call our office.

I tried calling and emailing.

Let’s just say that the RCC will not win any awards for their customer service. The RCC is not the only legitimate Bais Din in LA. While waiting for the RCC to return my call, I also reached out to other places that handle Jewish Divorce, including Rabbi Gavriel Cohen (WCRC) and Rabbi Teichman. (The LA Beth Din.)

Here’s what the LA Beth Din has on their website:

“Nobody who gets married expects that it will end in divorce. The Beth Din is aware of the range of emotions that can flood a person in these circumstances and our personnel are extremely sensitive during this very difficult time. Our aim is to treat every individual with courtesy and respect. We welcome feedback about your experience in dealing with us. We are available to answer any questions or concerns that you may have. Either party can apply to the Beth Din for the Gett process to be commenced, by simply completing and submitting an application.”

Guess where I submitted my application?

To read more Agunah Monologues, go to www.getjewishdivorce.org.

If you have any questions or comments regarding this series, email faigiecarmel@gmail.com or

info@getjewishdivorce.org.

If you or anyone you know is struggling to receive a Get, call Esther Macner at 310-730-5282 or email

her at getjewishdivorce.org. Strictly confidential.