Part Four: Am I An Agunah Yet??SMEAR CAMPAIGN

This series is an account of an Agunah, who describes the systems and processes a woman may encounter on her way to obtaining freedom after the marriage ended. What works? What doesn’t work? Which means are useful in preventing a divorcee from becoming an Agunah?

My parents started reaching out. Who knew my (still) husband? Who would he listen to? (Anyone??) As people found out what was happening, we started getting responses. Living in a fishbowl was excruciating. People felt entitled to advise, comment, patronize, and judge me.

There’s a Yiddish truism: “Why do people get divorced? Because he’s a Sheigetz, or she’s crazy… (or both)”

That seemed to be the consensus of random people who knew nothing about me or my relationship. A lot of my boundaries were crossed under the guise of ‘helping’ - people wanted to help fix everything, all without familiarizing themselves with the details of the situation, and then I had to sweep up the mess they made in my space.

Lesson of the day: Don’t interfere before you interpret!! (quote from Rabbi Shimon Russel)

Some people began to share horror stories with my parents about Agunot who waited interminably for a Get. Mostly the stories had no practical applications. It was very demoralising.

One good soul spent hours being righteously indignant on my behalf. “You’re so young. You shouldn’t have to wait so long for a Get!!” ... but then they often seemed to veer off into “but what can you do…?” helpless territory. Those conversations were exhausting. I kept wondering why I was developing a quiet resentment for people who ‘just really cared about me’.

Finally, I snapped,

“Why don’t you say all this to HIM?”

So they did. They told my (still) husband,

“You’re so young and have so much going for you. Why should you wait so long to have a Get? You should be free to pursue another connection. ‘It’s not good for a Man to be alone’”.

“I listen to my parents,” my (still) husband declared, “and Halachically, I don’t have to give her the Get in order for my needs to be met. Only SHE is prohibited… but I don’t think it will make a difference to her. It hasn’t mattered to her till now, anyway.”

“What are you saying?”

“I think you know what I am saying. You would be shocked to hear what I have really been through with her. That’s not even including all the mental health issues.”

People with character disturbances are very fragile.

They worry about looking good. They need the way other people see them to match the way they like to be seen, otherwise they may have to face what they actually look like. The reality of being a flawed human is too excruciating for them to bear.

I experienced a year and a half of living with someone who always found external circumstances to blame for every hiccup in our relationship. It was either the fault of Life, random other things, or my fault- but never, ever his fault.

If I was unhappy, or if things felt strained, there always had to be a reason- but never, ever his actions, or his relationship skills, or the marital dynamic he was creating. He never took responsibility for anything less than perfect. I never received an apology, because he arranged to never have anything to apologize for. If he had to admit there was a crack in his armor, his entire personhood would shatter. Maybe he’d die.

He wasn’t going to find out.

When your image is all you have, you’re always focused on PR. Looking good is critical.

(BEING good is optional.)

Divorce is NOT a good look.

(Unless you’re the victim- then you can still get pity points.)

Divorce is intolerable to people with character disturbances. It brings up big fears for them: A loss of power, loss of admiration from society, and loss of the ability to shape all narratives regarding themselves. Someone out there, not in their control, as a living testament that they weren’t always perfect.

The response? Rewriting history to cast themselves as a victim, trying to destroy your credibility so nobody believes your side, seeking attention and sympathy from other people to reinforce their own narrative, and triggering you in terrible but nearly undetectable ways to make you look unstable, so that they can feel justified and superior.

It’s not about the truth or facts. It’s about image management and regaining control.

Next time you meet a get-refuser, keep this in mind: Your favorable opinion is life-and-death for them, and WAY more critical to them than the truth.

To read more Agunah Monologues, go to www.getjewishdivorce.org.

If you have any questions or comments regarding this series, email faigiecarmel@gmail.com.

If you or anyone you know is struggling to receive a Get, call Esther Macner at 310-730-5282 or email her at info@getjewishdivorce.org. Strictly confidential.