AM I AN AGUNAH YET? PART TWO

Divorce is not an easy decision.

This series is an account of an Agunah, who describes the systems and processes a woman may encounter on her way to obtaining freedom after the marriage ended. What works? What doesn’t work? Which means are useful in preventing a divorcee from becoming an Agunah?

I called my Kallah teacher in the car, with my valise and baby in the back seat. She was quiet for a long time. “Normally, when you call me because of some marital incident, I help you

process your emotions, and give you advice on how to create a stronger ground for the relationship to heal and continue to thrive,” she finally said.

“However, I am beginning to sense that your husband’s actions are part of an ongoing pattern of behavior, and it’s escalating, which is different. Where are you now?”

“I am on my way to my parents’ house.”

“That might be best,” she said.

“I’ll call you later so we can figure out what your next step needs to be.”

I moved back into my parents’ house. It was not a happy time. I learned a new word: Separated. I began attending therapy, where I learned lots of new words: Gaslighting. Narcissistic Personality Disorder. DARVO. Domestic Abuse. Financial Abuse. Coercive control. More, which I will not mention here in this context.

I discovered that it is hard to comprehend this kind of abuse because even the person being abused is confused. Sometimes control is disguised as caring, and manipulation makes it feel like the feelings you are having are your own fault, exaggerated, or insane- which necessitates more control, sometimes through third parties (doctors/psychiatrist). It takes time to see the bigger picture, remove the noise, and recognize the patterns.

There is so much resistance to accept that this was real. That this reality was mine.

The therapist, along with my parents, my Kallah teacher and my Rav, all supported me as I vacillated: Is this fixable? Do I really need to get a divorce?

“You’re getting divorced,” my parents firmly declared, after my husband came by to pick up the baby for a short father-son outing. My parents drove me to Urgent Care right afterwards because I began trembling and could not speak when I saw him. I was fine. I lived.

Certain kinds of domestic violence confuse your internal systems: Your mind is getting one message, but your senses are picking up another. After a break from the prison created by my husband’s conditioning, my body went into violent fight-or-flight mode just at the sight of him.

Even I could see there was no way back. Sometimes your body say no for you, even as your mind remains clouded with fear and doubt. Nobody dreams of being a divorcee.

It is difficult for me, even now, to clearly paint a picture for the people who wonder: ‘Why did she need to get divorced???? Was it really so bad??? He seems so nice.

It is hard to explain the everyday, constant reality of living with character disturbance. It is hard to recall the daily reality of living with the uncertainty, constant threat, chaos, destruction, and despair that is created by pathological character patterns. My mind blocked it out.

It’s not a sharp pain or fatal injury. It is death by a thousand paper cuts.

Those who have experienced a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder, already know about the everyday living conditions you have to endure. The conditions, from the outside, don’t look that different from everybody else’s marital circumstances, but you cannot SEE the underlying sense of instability and threat.

Those who have not been exposed to these particular behavior patterns, will find them difficult to fathom.

The bottom line is this: My marriage was never a safe place for me, and I was not able to stay. I am so grateful to have parents and a support system that was able to recognize this, and be there for me.

I had no idea that the divorce was only the beginning of a new phase of my relationship with this man..

To read more Agunah Monologues, go to www.getjewishdivorce.org.

If you or anyone you know is struggling to receive a Get, call Esther Macner at 310-730-5282 or email her at info@getjewishdivorce.org.