Why Men Are Afraid to Do the Inner Work

In so many marriages, it’s the wife who reaches out first. She’s the one buying the books, booking the therapy sessions, signing up for the coaching. Her heart aches for connection, for safety, for some version of the closeness they once had. She’s not just looking to fix things, she’s fighting for something real.

Meanwhile, the man often pulls back. He may tell himself he’s fine. He might insist the real issue is her, not him. To him, emotional work feels like foreign territory, confusing, unnecessary, or even threatening. He’s succeeded in so many other areas of life: work, friendships, community leadership. He sees himself as capable and in control. So why should he now have to dig through feelings and childhood wounds just to “communicate better”?

But under the surface, many men carry a silent weight. They feel disrespected, unseen, or disconnected in their own homes. They want to feel like the hero again, but instead feel like they’re constantly failing. And because they’ve never been taught how to turn inward, they protect themselves the only way they know how: by shutting down.

This is where a profound teaching from Torah offers insight. The relationship between Hashem and the Jewish people is often described as a marriage. Hashem is the masculine force, the giver, the leader, and the Jewish people are the feminine partner, the receiver, the one who longs for protection and connection. But when the relationship feels strained or distant, it’s not always Hashem who initiates the healing.

Sometimes, it takes what the Zohar calls an Itaruta d’Letata, an “arousal from below.” We take the first step, through a mitzvah, a prayer, a return to truth, and that awakening stirs a response from above. Hashem shows up with strength and mercy, and we feel held again. In a healthy marriage, the same dynamic often applies. When a woman doesn’t feel emotionally safe, she can’t fully open, not emotionally, not spiritually, not physically. She becomes guarded, reactive, or cold. Not because she wants to be difficult, but because something deep inside her no longer feels protected.

The good news is, when a man is willing to do the inner work, when he chooses to show up with strength, humility, and leadership, everything starts to shift. His wife begins to soften. She stops trying to control everything. She starts to lean in. She laughs more. She trusts again. Her heart opens. And in turn, he feels empowered, respected, and alive again.

This doesn’t require perfection. It requires presence. It means being willing to look at yourself honestly, to confront the patterns you’ve inherited, the stories you tell yourself, and the habits that may be protecting you but are also holding you back. It means deciding that courage isn't just found in the boardroom or the battlefield, but in your living room, face-to-face with the woman you chose to build a life with.

There’s no shame in not knowing how to lead emotionally. Most men were never taught. But there is power in choosing to learn now. Because the truth is, your woman doesn’t want to be your coach or your critic, or your mother. She wants to be your partner. And more than anything, she wants to feel safe in your presence so she can finally let go and love you the way you’ve always wanted to be loved.

The relationship you want isn’t out of reach. But it does begin with one simple decision: to stop running from yourself, and to lead with love.

Your family is waiting. Your woman is watching. Now is the time.