Ask The Rabbi: When a Chassan and a Future Father-in-Law have the Same Name

When a Chassan and a Future Father-in-Law have the Same Name

Is one to avoid a shidduch where the chasson and future father-in-law, or kallah and future mother-in-law, share the same name?

The source of this concern is found in the Tzava'a (will) of Rebbi Yehuda HaChassid,[1] there it says, "A man should not marry a woman who shares the same name as his mother, nor a woman whom his name is the same as her father. If one does marry, one of them should change their name, perhaps there is tikveh (hope)."

We thus see from Rebbi Yehuda HaChassid that the warning is against both the father-in-law and the mother-in-law sharing the same name with the chasan or the kallah. The Chid"a[2] offers a reason for this ruling, which is due to 'ayin hara' (the evil eye). A different reason offered by the Zichron Yehuda[3] is that we are not supposed to call our parents by their first name due to respect, and if one marries a spouse sharing the same first name as their parent, the child will inevitably be calling their spouse by the same name in front of their parent.

Nonetheless, Poskim such as the Noda B'Yehuda[4] point out that we find in the Talmud certain Amoraim who were not concerned with this matter; therefore, one must say that the warning in the tzeva'ah can only be for the descendants of Rebbi Yehuda HaChassid, whereas for everyone else, they are not bound to this rule.

However, Poskim, including the Tzemach Tzedek, counterargue that the Amoraim who were not concerned with having the same name as their father-in-law were due to their great spiritual merits; however, for average people who require great mercy, we need to be stringent on this matter.[5] The Divrei Malkiel[6] also sides with the latter mentioned Poskim that we should be concerned due to the spiritual weakness of the later generations, and thus we need to be concerned in these matters.

Defining Identical Names and Adding a Name

Any difference in the names will suffice to consider the names as different. Thus, if the mother-in-law's name was Mousa Hinda and the daughter-in-law's name was only Mousa, they are considered different names.

The reason is that when one adds a name or has two names, those two names become one complete, inseparable unit, and it is not identical to the other single name. And on this, the warning of Rebbi Yehuda Ha'Chassid does not apply.[7]

The Poskim write that one needs thirty days to establish a new name.[8]

To a girl who, for a shidduch shared the same name as her potential future mother-in-law, the Lubavitcher Rebbe wrote[9]: "If the girl is a G-d fearing individual… they should add her another name, 30 days before the tannaim, (through a mi shaberach in shul) and preferably she should sign her name that way from time to time. Then, there is no room for concern at all."

Future In-Laws with the Same Names

The Tzeva'ah of Rebbi Yehuda HaChassid records: " Two people whose names are the same, their children should not get married together. Here, there is a doubt whether this warning was given only to the descendants of Rebbi Yehuda HaChassid or to everyone."[10] 

Some Poskim deduce from the wording here that only if the chassan and kallah were very young so that the parents are doing everything is there a concern if the parent in laws share the same name. However, if the chassan and kallah are older that they can get married without help from their parents, then there is no concern. However, prominent Poskim such as the Sdei Chemed are stringent also in this scenario. 

The Lubavitcher Rebbe also advised in this case that one should add a name to one of the sides.[11]

On all matters of doubt, one should consult with a Rav erudite in these matters.

Rabbi Dovid Nissan Bressman authored two halacha books on mezuzah and sefer torah. He has Yoreh Yoreh and Yadin Yadin from Central Tomchei Tmimim Brooklyn NY. He is also an ordained sofer and magiah and the director of Chesed Umishpat which assists on Jewish status matters.

For questions or dedications you can reach him at jewishchesedumishpat@gmail.com or

310 617 5205

[1] Tzava'as Rebbi Yehuda HaChasid (23). Rebbi Yehuda HaChassid is one of the great Rishonim who lived around the 1200s; he was a refugee from Speyer and opened a Yeshivah in Regensburg which produced such famous scholars as Rabbi Eleazar of Worms who authored the "Rokeach." The rulings of Rebbi Yehuda HaChassid particularly in his tzeva'ah are not sourced, and some of even seem contrary to the Talmud. This there is a debate amongst the later Poskim if these rulings were given strictly to his descendants or if they should apply to everyone.

[2] Binyon Olam to the Sefer Chassidim 477.

[3] Zichron Yehuda 2:146.

[4] Noda B'Yehuda (Tinyana 79).

[5] See Tzemach Tzedek (Even Haezer 143) and Tzemach Tzedek Piskei Dinim Yoreh Deah 116. See also Bris Olom on Sefer Chassidim 477 and Shem Aryeh (Yoreh Deah 27).

[6] Divrei Malkiel 5:202.

[7] Tzemach Tzedek (ibid). See also Sheimos Bearetz pg. 124.

[8] See Levushei Mordechai (Orach Chayim 105; Even Haezer 44).

[9] Teshura – Simpson 5768, brought in Hiskashrus vol. 1245.

[10] Tzava'as Rebbi Yehuda HaChasid (24).

[11] Igros Kodesh vol. 18 pg. 136.