When School Feels Impossible: Supporting a Child Who Struggles to Go

Few experiences test a family like a child who struggles to go to school. Mornings (and sometimes evenings) turn into a tense game of tug-of-war. Parents navigate tears, arguments, and frantic bargaining, all while trying to determine whether complaints of stomachaches, headaches, or nausea are genuine or just a way to score a day at home. Friends and family often reassure, ‘Give it time—it’s just an adjustment,’ and sometimes it is, but a parent’s intuition may signal that there’s more going on than typical school jitters.

Understanding School Struggles

Up to 28% of children struggle with school refusal, reflecting their nervous system’s response to an environment that feels unmanageable or unsafe. When children try to avoid school, one or more of these factors may be at play:

●      Their stress levels are running high

●      They believe they cannot manage the day ahead

●      They are struggling with anxiety, learning challenges, or sensory sensitivities

●      They need more support to feel safe and capable in the school environment

Why School Feels So Hard

School may seem like fun to adults, but it asks a lot of children. They spend hours away from their parents, navigate social dynamics they cannot control, follow rules and routines that often do not make sense to them, and keep up academically while juggling everything at once.

For sensitive, anxious, or deeply feeling children, these demands can set off every alarm bell in their nervous system. Once that alarm rings, their main goal becomes returning to safety, usually home, their parents, and a sense of control.

Certain parts of school push children’s stress buttons more than others. For many kids, these challenges are the triggers that make mornings and the school day feel like too much to handle.Common triggers include academic pressure linked to learning differences, anxiety, ADHD, as well as social challenges and sensory overload.

Confidence Starts With Connection

When school feels like too much, a strong relationship with a parent provides a strong anchor. It gives them a place to calm down, process big feelings, and remember that  they are capable, loved and valued. Try these simple ways to strengthen that bond:

Create daily special time: 

Spend 10-15 minutes of focused, uninterrupted time with your child. Allow them to choose the activity, and just have fun. No problem-solving, just connection.

Share your experiences: 

Tell stories of times you felt nervous or uncertain and how you managed.

Validate their feelings:

Instead of trying to solve things, let your child know you see their struggle, and that it makes sense. For example, “That sounds really hard, I can see why you’d feel that way.”

Understanding AND Expectations

Helping a child who struggles with school is most effective when you take a dialectical, “both/and” approach, acknowledging their challenges while staying confident in their ability to face and manage them. This might sound like: “I can see that making friends is hard, AND I believe we can practice ways to make it easier.” or, “School feels overwhelming, AND I know you have the strength to handle hard things.” Being dialectical teaches kids that two truths can coexist: their feelings are valid, and they are capable.

Building Real Confidence

Once you’ve acknowledged your child’s feelings and communicated your confidence in their abilities, the next step is helping them build genuine belief in themselves. Well-meaning cheerleading can backfire as kids who struggle with anxiety often sense when praise feels forced, which can erode trust. Instead, focus on honesty, effort, and validation:

Honesty

“Some parts are fun, some are tricky. Either way, you can handle it.”

“New things feel scary. You can be nervous and still be brave.”

Effort 

“You kept trying even when it was hard.” “You asked for help—that was smart.”

Validation

“This is hard. It makes sense you’re struggling.”

“Different parts feel tricky for different kids—it’s okay to find it challenging.”

Every child faces moments that feel too big to handle. Validation and a calm and confident presence show children that it’s okay to struggle. Challenges guided by connection and support teach children that difficulties do not define them. Rather, they are chances to practice problem-solving, emotional regulation, and resilience—skills that will serve them throughout school and life.