Let’s Be Honest: Middot, Derech Eretz & the Vessel That Holds Our Torah

Let’s be honest. Every so often you see something so disturbing that it does more than frustrate you. It exposes a deeper flaw in our communal priorities. A few weeks ago, at a bar mitzvah kiddush, I watched a group of boys from a local yeshivish middle school push toward the tables and try to grab food before the kiddush had even begun. A Hispanic worker preparing the food gently asked them to wait. Instead of listening, they huddled together, laughed, and then walked out chanting “ICE, ICE, ICE” directly at her. She froze for a moment, visibly hurt but maintaining a sense of dignity that none of the boys seemed to possess. An onlooker approached them and told them how inappropriate and disrespectful their behavior was, only to be mocked back because he wasn’t dressed yeshivish enough. When I brought the incident to a rabbi from their school, hoping for concern or action, the only response I received was that this class of boys is simply a “bad crop.”

Standing there, it was obvious that the only person in the room displaying anything resembling refined character was the non-Jewish woman being humiliated. And as I walked away, one thought kept repeating in my mind. These boys can probably learn a Gemara better than I can, but they have no understanding of the basics of Middot or Derech Eretz. Without those, their Torah is a priceless liquid poured into a cracked vessel. This wasn’t just misbehavior; it was a window into what we are unintentionally teaching.

We often use words like Middot, Derech Eretz, and manners interchangeably, but they are three distinct layers of who we are meant to become.

Middot are the inner qualities: humility, patience, compassion, moral self-restraint.

Derech Eretz is the ethical expression of those traits in real conduct: how you speak, how you treat others, how you behave in society.

Etiquette is the outer form, the visible behaviors that communicate dignity: greeting people respectfully, waiting your turn, saying thank you, being aware of others.

Ideally these layers work together. Middot are the roots, Derech Eretz is the trunk, and etiquette is the leaves and branches that touch the world. When any layer is missing, the entire tree weakens.

Middot → Derech Eretz→ EtiquetteInside → Middle → Outside.

A child can have perfect table manners and still humiliate a worker.A child can have a good heart and still lack boundaries or awareness.A child can be respectful but internally arrogant.

Fully formed humans need all three.

Our tradition is not vague about what comes first. The Midrash’s explanation of “the path to the Tree of Life” teaches that “Derech Eretz kadmah l’Torah - Derech Eretz precedes Torah.” Rabbeinu Yona writes explicitly that Torah cannot truly reside within someone who lacks Derech Eretz. Rav Chaim Vital teaches that Middot are so foundational that they were not listed as mitzvot because they form the very base upon which all mitzvot rest. The Vilna Gaon goes further and writes that good character traits encompass the entire Torah. And if Torah, in all its depth, is compared to water, then Middot and Derech Eretz are the vessel that must hold it. Without them, everything spills.

Let’s be honest: how did we get to a place where children can master complex learning yet mistreat another human being without shame? Because this is not only a school problem and not only a home problem; it is the product of both.

Parents and schools often teach one message and model another. We praise brilliance more loudly than kindness. At home, children hear impatience, entitlement, or disrespect toward teachers and workers. At school, Middot are spoken about but inconsistently practiced or modeled. Schools should consider if a child is inappropriate and unhealthy for the middot of the rest of the class to make an example that not just poor grades hold you back but so can poor middot by addressing it effectively. Parents assume schools will teach Derech Eretz. Schools assume parents are doing it at home. And children absorb the gap between what we say and what we tolerate. Children absorb what we praise and what we permit. When parents push for advanced learning but never ask how a school teaches Derech Eretz, the message is clear: Torah matters; character is optional.

But character is the foundation. Yevamot 79a defines the Jewish people by mercy, modesty, and kindness, not intelligence or lomdus. Rav Wolbe teaches that chinuch aims to raise refined children, not merely successful ones.

Middot without Derech Eretz leads to good heart, poor follow-through, kind intentions, harmful behavior. Derech Eretz without Middot leads to social compliance, politeness that disappears under pressure. Etiquette without both leads to a smooth-talking manipulator, pleasant on the outside, empty on the inside. Derech Eretz without etiquette leads to a decent soul who unintentionally alienates others. When all three are aligned: A mensch. A kid who makes Kiddush Hashem, not Chilul Hashem. A vessel worthy of Torah.

A few small but powerful steps:

·      Parents: Model Derech Eretz with every human being, including teachers, workers, strangers, and each other.

·      Schools: Train teachers to model and enforce respectful conduct just as seriously as academic standards.

·      Both: Create shared language and expectations for Middot across home and school.Communities: Praise kindness publicly and frequently, at least as often as we praise brilliance.

The incident at that kiddush was not about one moment or one group of boys. It reflected a gap in our collective chinuch. Brilliance without refinement is not Jewish greatness. Torah without character is a body without a soul.

Let’s be honest. Our children deserve an education in which Middot, Derech Eretz, and etiquette are not afterthoughts but the foundation. If we do not fix this, parents and schools together, we will continue producing children brilliant in Torah but impoverished in humanity. Our community deserves to raise a generation of mercy, modesty, and kindness. And our Torah demands nothing less.