Let’s Be Honest: Middot

Let’s be honest—once upon a time, when someone bumped into you, you’d get a, “Excuse me.” Now you get a blank stare, or worse, they get annoyed at you. The other day, I was pushing a stroller on Shabbat when not one, but two scooters whizzed by and clipped me—first the kid, then the parent! No “sorry,” no “are you okay?” Just a light shrug and a scooter wheel mark on my ankle. This is what we’re calling basic derech eretz now?

And don’t get me started on kids walking into someone’s house like it’s their own—no “hello,” no eye contact, just a direct line to the snack cabinet. When did this become normal? When did it become revolutionary for a child to say “please” or “thank you”? I recently praised a 10-year-old in shul who never fails to say Shabbat shalom to every adult. I had to go out of my way to thank his parents because to me, they can be raising the next gadol hador. That’s where we’re at—common decency is now cause for celebration. Midrash Vayikra Rabbah 9:3 tells us “Derech eretz kadmah laTorah – Proper conduct precedes the Torah.”

So, what happened?

Well, some of us grew up with parents who ruled with a firm hand (and possibly a shoe), and we swore we’d be different. No forced shaking hands with every adult in the room. More chill. More gentle. More “tell me how you feel about throwing a toy at my head.” And somewhere between validating feelings and vacating authority, we forgot to teach our kids how to say “thank you” to a cashier or “good Shabbos” to a stranger.

Let’s address the parenting buzzword that’s taken over every WhatsApp group and mommy blog: Gentle Parenting. At its core, it’s a beautiful approach—built on empathy, emotional connection, and respectful boundaries. But somewhere along the way, it’s been twisted into a sort of parenting witness protection program—where consequences go to disappear. I’ve actually heard, “I don’t want to damage my child’s self-esteem by correcting them.” Really? No one’s asking you to scold your child—we’re just saying hold them accountable when they act like basic respect is optional.

Let’s set the record straight: Gentle parenting is not code for passive parenting. It doesn’t mean you avoid “no” like it’s a four-letter word. It doesn’t mean your toddler gets voting rights on bedtime. It means setting boundaries with kindness—not avoiding boundaries altogether. Respecting your child doesn’t mean ignoring bad behavior. It means guiding them—consistently and calmly—so they can grow into people who respect others, not just themselves.

And it’s not just the kids. Adults are cursing in front of toddlers, yelling across shul, calling their kids’ teachers by their first names like we’re all in a 1990s sitcom. There’s a widespread case of entitlement, and it’s contagious. “But I am teaching my child to be confident?” Confidence without respect is just masked arrogance.

There’s actual research to back this up—psychologists like Jean Twenge have written about the rise in narcissistic traits and entitlement among youth, linked to overpraising and underchallenging. When “you’re so special” is the parenting motto but “you still have to wait your turn” is left out, we raise children who think rules are optional and manners are vintage.

Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski z”l said that middot are the foundation of Torah. Rebbe Chaim Vital wrote that refining one’s character traits is even more important than mitzvah observance. Translation? If you’re keeping kosher but can’t keep your mouth from snapping at your spouse, we’ve got work to do. Torah isn’t just about what you eat, it’s about how you treat the waiter who brings you your food.

So, what can we actually do to bring back middot?

1. Stop outsourcing character.

Your child isn’t going to magically pick up derech eretz from the school alone, especially if they come home and see you yelling or disrespectful. Middot are taught by example—model the behavior you want to see, even if it means changing your own character.

2. Join a shiur or learn with your kids.

Pick a book like Orchot Tzaddikim or Pirkei Avot and learn it together. Not in a “let’s fix your bad behavior” way, but in a “let’s grow together” way. You’ll be surprised—kids have an excellent radar for hypocrisy. But they also have a deep admiration for parents who walk the walk, not just talk the talk.

3. Enforce small, sacred habits.

Politely remind your child to greet others before walking them into the room. Model saying thank you out loud. Make eye contact. Stand when elders enter the room. It doesn’t have to be ‘like the old country’, but it should feel like your home values decency. Because if we don’t deliberately teach kindness, we’re teaching something else by default.

Let’s be honest: we’re not trying to raise perfect kids—we’re trying to raise kids with manners. And that starts with parents deciding that middot aren’t optional. They’re the very foundation of who we are. As the Gemara (Yevamot 79a) teaches, “There are three distinguishing traits of the Jewish people: they are merciful, they are bashful, and they perform acts of kindness.” These traits aren’t just nice-to-haves—they are national identifiers. And as Rav Wolbe writes in Alei Shur, the goal of education is not to raise successful children, but refined ones—gedolim in character, not just in confidence. And it starts with each of us.