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If a chassan and kallah share the same name, is this improper to get married based upon the will of Rebbe Yehuda Hachassid, who holds that man should not marry a woman whose name is the same as his mother?

Some names are used for both boys and girls. Although historically this was something very rare, except for a couple of names, this trend became even more popular in our generation.

Some of the older gender-neutral names include: Simcha, Yonah, Rachav, and Aviah.

The Divrei Malkiel[1] wrote that it is improper to give a gender-neutral name to a child as it can lead to breakdown of gender boundaries and lack of tznius.

When we start including more recently used names, the list grows immensely. Just list a few names: Yarden/Jordan, Lior, Mazal, Mayan, Ariel and Eli etc.…[2] If we add regular secular names, the list gets quite large.

Some Poskim[3] write that when the chassan and kallah share the same name, this is bad for them to get married, as their union will not succeed, as this scenario is also included in the warning of Rebeinu Yehudah Hachassid[4] of a chassan and his father-in-law who share the same name. They argue, if Rebeinu Yehudah Hachassid warned a chassan not to marry a woman whose father-in-law shares his name, how much more so when the chassan and kallah share the same name!

Although one can question this ruling, for we have a rule that matters that are based upon segulah or sekanah (spiritual danger), what was ruled out is ruled out, and what was not included should not be included. Particularly, according to some of the reasons brought by some poskim as to this rule of Rebeinu Yehuda Hachassid, either due to having the ability to name a child after a grandparent or in general not to disrespect the in-laws by inadvertently calling them by name,[5] none of this is applicable here when it is only the chassan and kallah share the same name. Nonetheless, concludes the Mishpat Haketubah,[6] that since great poskim do nonetheless mention this warning, we should be careful about it.  Also, in general, for the chassan and kallah to share the same name does seem to lead to non-tznius behavior, as one will call the husband by his name, and the wife will think she is being called. Also, there does seem to be an ayin hara (evil eye) issue when something draws particular attention from people, as a couple sharing the same name does draw particular attention, particularly at the reading of the ketubah.

One could, therefore, add a name to the chassan or kallah thirty days before, and thus avoid this concern. Albeit, since this warning of the chassan and kallah not sharing the same name is not mentioned openly in the tzeva'ah of Rebeinu Yehudah Hachassid, it is difficult to say that it is outright forbidden; however, it would be proper to explain to the couple to consider to add another name to be concerned with the above-mentioned poskim.[7] However, if the chassan had the name Refael and the kallah had the name Refaelah, or Yosef and Yosifa, Ariel and Ariela, etc. there would be no concern since they are still different names.

-        - Rabbi Dovid Nissan Bressman authored two halacha books on mezuzah and sefer torah. He has Yoreh Yoreh and Yadin Yadin from Central Tomchei Tmimim Brooklyn NY. He is also an ordained sofer and magiah and the director of Chesed Umishpat, which assists in determining Jewish status matters.

For questions or dedications, you can reach him at jewishchesedumishpat@gmail.com or 310 617 5205

[1] Divrei Malkiel 3:75. The Divrei Malkiel brought a hint of this concern as it says that a woman should not wear the garments of a man.

[2] I often noticed that male names were given to girls in memory of their grandfather who did not have any grandboys.

[3] See Sdei Chemed (ma'areches chassan vikallah ois 5 quoting the ma'aseh ish); China Vichisda (vol. 2 pg. 225); Ruach Chayim (Even Haezer 62:16); Yafeh L'Lev Lmar Brei (vol. 4 Even Haezer 13). In Sheimos B'Aretz pg. 131 it quotes from Rav Chaim Kanievsky responding "it is not fit to close a shiduch where the two share the same name, for some say that this is the reason of the tzava'ah of Rebbi Yehuda Hachassid not to marry a woman whoms name is is like the name of his mother."

[4] Tzava'as Rebeinu Yehuda Hachassid 23.

[5] See Mekor Chesed to Tzeva'as Rebeinu Yehuda Hachasid 33.

[6] Mishpat Haketubah vol. 2 pg. 192.

[7] So, I heard from Rav Yehuda Leib Nachmanson, Rosh Kollel Hora'ah Umishpat of Rechovot. He mentioned that according to the mystical reason brought by the Tzemach Tzedek Piskei Dinim Yoreh Deah 116  that there is a lack of tznius when the kallah shares the same name as the mother-in-law in the spiritual union up above; accordingly, for the chassan and kallah to share the same name would be no concern here.