7 Common Intimacy Mistakes

Sooner or later, in every relationship, there will be gaps in the level of desire.

It’s a part of becoming a long-term couple, a natural effect of leaving the initial, short-term stage. In every relationship, there will be one side that is more interested (The high-desire partner) and a side that is more guarded (low desire partner.)

It’s an inescapable fact in every kind of long-term relationship… but wow, so much pain and suffering comes along with it: years of experiencing loneliness in a relationship, which is the worst kind of pain. One side feels rejection and frustration, and one side feels guilty, endlessly strangled, and that there’s something intrinsically wrong with them.

It’s insanely challenging.

Most of us receive no guidance on how to approach desire gaps. (Most of us don’t receive that much guidance on intimacy in general.)

When we don’t know what to do, we do what we know.

How do most couples deal with these gaps?

Here’s a partial list of very common misconceptions and hard mistakes that couples will make on their journey to deal with intimacy differences.

1. Compliment their spouse/ Buy gifts

Common advice given to men (or given to women to ‘teach’ their men) is that on the day you want to be with your wife, buy her flowers, tell her how beautiful she is, start with the compliments from the morning already, because women are emotional and this is the way to their heart.

This is a mistake.

Why?

Because we can all read other people really well, especially long-term spouses.

If a woman recognizes that behind the compliment or the gift- there is an expectation, then it’s not a present- it’s a loan.

None of us like getting calls from the bank offering us loans with killer interest rates- we don’t either like to get “loans” in life, especially knowing that payback is nigh.

2. Passion Extracts

I cannot even tell you how many times I’ve been asked if I can recommend some pills, drops, creams, extracts that will “get back my passion.” Humans are lazy creatures, and we all look for shortcuts. It always reminds me of the diet pill industry- so much money to be made off of shortcuts. Instead of delving a little deeper into: Why am I not interested? What kills my engine? Where am I not being faithful to myself? Where am I scared of confrontation? Where am I unwilling to grow?... We search for magical solutions. If there had been someone who actually invented a machine, oil, pill, extract, that would solve this problem, he’d be a billionaire by now. What can I do? There is no magic spell in life.Growth always requires work, observation, learning new skills…

3. Focusing on Arousal

Often, when one partner has chronically low motivation- the couple tries to deal with it using

accessories that are supposed to arouse them. This is a bad idea.

There are two complementary nervous systems at play here: The sympathetic and para-sympathetic nervous systems. One system encourages arousal, and the other is always alert to signs of danger, and it shuts off any chance of arousal at the first red flag- to encourage survival. Most of us experience trouble with arousal due to this system getting triggered, not due to a lack of arousing factors. When you try to flood your system with arousal triggers WITHOUT NEUTRALIZING THE SYMPATHETIC NERVOUS SYSTEM THAT IS SCANNING FOR DANGER- it will feel incredibly annoying and will be filed away in your mind as harassment.

4. Triggering a fear of abandonment in the Low-desire partner

Sometimes the high-desire partner is so frustrated, hurt and rejected that they use every weapon in their arsenal to engage the low-desire partner. Since couples know each other pretty well, they also know where the triggers are and what buttons to press. (Often they are not even aware they are pushing their partner’s buttons, but they think they are just “honestly sharing their pain”) This is when divorce comes up explicitly in conversations. Or vaguely:

“ ... and then you wonder why there are so many broken homes.” Or saying… “I should have listened to my xyz before I married you…”

And all sorts of other vague comments to remind the low-desire partner how hard it is for them.

What does this cause?

In the short term- it causes stress for the low-desire partner.

The low desire partner will try to prevent the abandonment and they will do things they are not comfortable doing. In the long term- this only adds to their internal stress, exacerbates the distress, and makes the low desire drop even lower. Stress is an incredibly powerful poison. It murders desire instantly.

5.Lessons on Shalom Bayis and the different needs of the genders. Pulling out the Shalom

Bayis books!!

When my clients recount their discussions about the gaps in their desire- here’s the general gist: Woman to her husband: “You know, women need to feel loved, desired, and courted… when you don’t initiate, I don’t feel like you are courting me, and it makes me less motivated to invest in being closer… ” Man to his wife: “I’m a Man; I have needs. You’re my wife… you’re the only person in the world who can provide them for me…”

One woman wrote me, in a deeply painful letter: “Maybe I just need to wrap my head around how badly Men need this…” But that’s the last thing she needs. She already knows how badly her husband needs this. She is already experiencing how painful it is for him, how desperate it makes him… and that didn’t exactly contribute to raising her level of desire for him.

“Needs” trigger our parental instincts. A parent’s whole life revolves around caring for the needs of their dependents. When her husband reaches out to her to fulfill his needs, it triggers her ‘motherly’ instinct… But neediness, weakness, dependency, and especially manipulation- are poisons. They kill desire.

6. What’s Left? …Duties and Rights

The high desire partner now feels very hurt. What tricks are left? This is usually when the discussions (a polite description) about “who owes who” begin. “You committed! You signed the Kesuba! It’s your Halachic duty!” she cries. “I have a right to get xyz…”

He starts quoting Rambams and Chazals…

They both pull out the Shalom Bayis books and highlight paragraphs for their spouse to peruse… This will almost definitely cause the low-desire partner to feel more guilt, but probably will not cause them to feel more desire. There’s a very high likelihood that it will (surprise!!) make them feel LESS desire. Willingness, passion and desire are inversely related to Duty, compulsion, and control. The more we MUST do something, the less we feel like doing it.

7. The Archeological Dig

Our culture has this deep perception, that “everything has roots in our childhood”.

There is truth to that perception. Therefore, the high-desire partner will interpret the puzzling phenomenon of low desire: It’s the way she was raised. His stiff, inflexible parents. She was abused. He grew up in a very sheltered society. This is very comforting for the high-desire partner: There’s a Reason! (and the reason is NOT HIM!) BUT THEIR RELATIONAL DYNAMIC DOES NOT CHANGE. Same patterns. Same conduct. Same results. When you keep repeating the same actions, the same results will also keep repeating. If you recognized your relationship in some of these description… If you are tired of justifying yourself and searching for excuses, If intimacy has become a place of challenge and filled with stress, If you are running a tab in your head, counting your steps so you won’t reach the line where the rage

and recriminations are triggered, If things are hard for either of you… It’s time to stop feeling so guilty, and so lonely. It’s time to finally create a safe place for healing, a comforting place for intimacy.

It’s time to create a relationship without stress and struggle, with all systems up and running and engines firing on all cylinders, as they should.